Don't cry

I read an article today about co-regulation. When we are with someone who is in crisis, or just unhappy and they start crying (usually women, although there's no reason why men shouldn't be allowed to cry) the natural instinct is to comfort, to offer tissues, to sympathise, to empathise.

​Why shouldn't we?

Well we shouldn't because we're not only dialling into their distress, we're also putting our distress above theirs. Sounds counter-intuitive doesn't it? It feels cruel somehow to not offer consolation. 

However, because we're accessing our own feelings of wanting to comfort and to show empathy we're actually putting our own desires and needs above theirs.
That’s not equality.

By remaining in a calm state, letting them release their feelings we’re in a position to help the individual to regulate themselves.  That’s called co-regulation.  It allows for an inhibitor of thinking to dissipate and for the individual to then think more clearly.
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It’s a skill you learn when you practice Time to Think and importantly, to be at ease in not offering sympathy.  Instead you offer calm: you hold a state of safety where the individual can regain their serenity.  What greater gift could there be?
To find out more about Time to Think check this out.